University Calendar

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Imaginary courses for the new school year, illustrated by Danny Zabbal

Master’s of Social Work in Making Nothing Happen

No funding will be granted to students on the basis of determining which vegetables cause which disease, or how fast we can cure diseases. Projections of payoff and consequence will be undermined at every turn, sometimes by means of a switch, sometimes with sleeping pills, and the majority of students will pass their time observing the characteristics of daisies, pencil sharpeners, the galaxy Andromeda, and the way different people feel colours. Mornings will involve rigorous elocution and walking lessons, followed by drawing, French, German, and needlepoint. There are no prerequisites.

 

BSc in Death

The meaning of death has changed and will change again. This certification will allow students to see many kinds of death in succession, at least once a day. The length of time necessary for completing the task of looking at death varies from student to student; assignments will be individualized. Examples of deaths to be considered include a worm, a moth on a wall, a pigeon, a firstborn, an elk, your sister, orchids, etc&. In the fourth year of the program, each student will be asked to pose nude and will be painted by their classmates in different stages of decay. The goal will be to make student footsteps blithe, for one day some door will open behind them, and it will not be the wrong time.

 

MFA in Business

The entire degree coalesces around the practice of burning money every morning. Students will reside in cabins around the main courtyard of the Southern quadrangle. Uniforms are mandatory: mint green. Shorts for the boys, Capri leggings for the women. Polo shirts. The spirit of a banquet will propel the students in their productive goals throughout the day, and because the intensive parts of the program take place in the summer, rites of the usual kind may and should unfold, god willing. Currencies will be chosen on the basis of their coordination with mint green, and will be arrayed in the courtyard of the southern quadrangle before the fray.

 

Doctor of Theology in Smoking

Students in this course will execute a series of precise inactions, with the goal of enhancing their ability to function in the world by not functioning in a directed manner. Possible activities may include garland weaving, loosening the limbs in a dance, the Fibonacci sequence, surfing, stone finishing, crazy love. Assessment will be guided by a microscopic analysis of cells, real and unreal, and the ones they make after that. Opportunities for employment will be hallucinatory, and then everyone will die in the normal ways.

 

 

About the author

Simon Reader

Simon Reader is a PhD Candidate in English at the University of Toronto. He is co-editor of Penned: Animals in Zoos in Poems (Signal, 2009) and is writing a dissertation about uselessness in Victorian culture.

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By Simon Reader